This morning I woke up to a phone call. I had been waiting for this phone call since my first hospital visit last March. After endless amounts of paperwork, doctors visits and hospital stays, I was approved for SSI. The first application had been for  Disability, but I spent much of my adult life as either a housewife or a stay at home mom, and therefore didn’t have enough credits. They did however, think I may qualify for SSI till I can get well enough to get back out in the world. Of course, I had to see doctors and put everything together just in the hopes that something may come of it. It’s never guaranteed. a wave of relief came over me. Before I got sick, I was a  working mother. I worked hard, and did everything I could to raise my child, and I did all of it on the up and up. When my ex and I split, I had no choice but to get back out there. I started off in a part time position and eventually the company created a new position and title just for me! I’ve often wondered where I would be now if illness hadn’t sidetracked me, considering how fast I was rising. I had already been offered travel benefits if I were willing travel to our other location in Dallas at the time. We had even discussed possibly a vehicle, just for that purpose. But, there’s very little use in wondering. I’ve accepted the fact that this happened to me. I may never know why, but it did. On top of that, because of my current situation, I was also approved for Medicaid for now. I know a lot of people won’t approve, and i’ll be called all kinds of names, but I worked and put into that system. If I wasn’t working, there was always someone working on my behalf, putting into that system. What this essentially means is that I will be able to go to better doctors. I’ll be able to see the specialists that I’ve needed to see, and get the Physical Therapy I’ve needed. It’s a HUGE step forward for my medical treatment, so that one day I’ll be able to get back out in the workforce and contribute more. My parents have been supporting me, and I live in their home, again.  The little bit of money from SSI will be a huge help. Not only will I be able to contribute a little, but I’ll have a little bit of freedom! I’ve spent the entire last year either in a hospital bed, or too sick to move, or under someone else’s roof. There hasn’t been any fun. There hasn’t been an escape. It’s the same prison cell. This means  that the next time a friend offers to take me to a movie, maybe I can go. I can get out of the house for something other than a doctor’s appointment or a hospital stay. I truly believe it will do wonders for my sanity!  All of this news comes a week before my birthday and I’ve been so excited, planning a day out with friends! Friends that I haven’t seen since BEFORE I got sick! I should have known that little bit of happiness wouldn’t last. While I’m looking at this as a day to day thing, where maybe once in a while I will be able to get out and breathe….my mother sees this as someday me leaving. I get that. I see that too. What I didn’t expect on the FIRST DAY of getting this news, is her wanting to have a conversation about possible future living decisions. She immediately starts in on my boyfriend. He is far from perfect, but let’s face it. She’s never liked anyone I’ve ever dated. She immediately starts going in on whether when I do move out, it will be with him…because I’m supposed to be able to answer that NOW. She starts talking, yet again, about the state of the apartment when they went to get my stuff. If you listen to her, it was an episode of Hoarders. I know it wasn’t to THAT extreme, but I admit that it wasn’t great. He does not have the greatest cleaning skills. He usually helped me clean….he HELPED me clean. On his own, he’s just not so good at it, and he will be the first to admit that. At the time, he was even less worried about it because he was making all of my meals, cleaning my bedpan, doing the laundry, taking care of the dog. He was taking my son to school when we had him, and picking him up some days. My son went to live with his father shortly before I went in for my long hospital stay, because I knew that he didn’t need to see me like that every day. My boyfriend quit school because he was afraid to leave me alone. None of this was easy on him. So yeah, maybe keeping things sparkly clean wasn’t his top priority, but I never went without a meal. I always had on clean clothes. I never had a dirty bedpan. He spent many nights sleeping downstairs in a little recliner, so that he could watch me. She doesn’t see any of that. She will never be able to see the good, only the bad. She already won’t let him come see me. He can pick me up, and drop me off, but she doesn’t want him in the house. She didn’t like him BEFORE I got sick. Why? Because he was dating me. The guy deserves a little bit of a break. Not every guy WOULD have changed my bedpan all night. Not every guy WOULD do the amount of laundry he did so that I always had clean clothes. Not every guy would still be around after all of that, then being put down constantly by everyone around me, because it was never enough. His one big wrong, was that he didn’t call the ambulance sooner. He had already called an ambulance once, and the hospital sent me home the very same night and I went back to being in that same condition. That hospital sent me home, unable to walk, skyrocketing pulse. They sent me home, not because I was ok, they sent me home because I couldn’t pay. I had JUST finished paying off an earlier ER trip there. He really thought that sending me in another ambulance would end up the same way. I was angry at him about that for a long time, but he was SO angry when it happened, and I understand him not trusting them afterwards. He is still so angry at himself. There were nights when he considered calling them and I begged him not to. I threatened to leave him. I threatened a couple of nasty things out of desperation. Maybe he SHOULD have done it anyway, but he didn’t. Neither did I. The second time the ambulance took me, it wasn’t because we called 911. It was because my grandmother, who is a nurse, used the ambulance company that serves the home health business that she was working for. THAT time, the hospital decided that I was sick enough to admit me. I was in a much worse state than I had been during my previous trip. That much worse state,  had only recently begun. They were worried that I was going to stroke out. They were worried, because they had sent me home previously, that something would happen and they would be held accountable. How long is he going to be punished for everything that happened? I won’t be moving out until I am in a better position to. He is finishing his last semester of college. I want him to finish that, and take one of the job offers that he has. I want him to be in a better financial position than full time student. I want to be in a better place physically. There are a number of things that need to happen before I make any decisions on what the situations will be when I move on. Hell, we could break up next week, or next month. The day started out with the best news I could have hoped for, and my small moment of happiness and the weight lifted off of me, that made it feel like everything was going to be ok, for the first time in a long time…..is gone. Apparently I don’t deserve that. And the day that started out so happy….is ending in tears. Again.

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